“We can’t learn without pain” Aristotle 

Such simple truth. Nothing about any kind of pain feels simple when we are smack dab in the eye of the storm. My thoughts swirl around in my turbulent , flawed , bipolar brain. The thoughts are everything , yet nothing because the pain sometimes is so great it consumes every fiber of our very soul.



No wonder we learn from pain. That shit hurts. We can’t let pain like that in again , the next time it could destroy the precious , wonderful light that is  in Him.


I think you have probably figured out what kind of pain  has taught me this day , gentle reader. The pain is in my heart and it’s source is my everything.  He is not malicious , or mean. He loves me , I know He does. He doesn’t want to cause me pain , I know that too. I have dumped load after load on His shoulders in this past year. His strong , steady , safe shoulders. Let’s not forget these are human shoulders and He can’t continue to take on my seemingly non stop disasters and not have anyone to help Him hold that shit up. He could die. I won’t be the bullet that takes this beautiful spirit from this ugly world.


I want Him to know I would rather feel pain for however many weeks , months , or even years it takes the pain to ease than have Him buried under the weight of MY burdens. I have felt a lot pain in my 46 years in this body. Physical pain from minor scrapes to full on snap my bones pain. Emotional pain from childhood confusion , to the blackest , thickest thunderstorm that can only come from loving a partner in life. Not to mention the pain that happens when you miss your children , the constant thud in an already damaged heart , the ever growing and spreading knots in an already twisted stomach. The pain that comes from fear that we are all alone in such an unforgiving world. Fear ! Pain ! Regret !


But wait , we haven’t remembered why we keep allowing such pain  in ….. it’s the light , love and joy that we get from the good times. Without that pain , how could the joy feel so fucking good ? It could not. I don’t know about other people , not mentally disturbed people. Me ? I would take some time feeling pain , so I could feel such joy and happiness , yeah it’s THAT good. Also shuffling around in life numb because your shielding yourself from pain , prevents ecstasy. That’s something I never want to pass up. Five minutes of such wonderful , pure happy is worth a year of pain in my humble opinion. I think people that shut out any normal feelings don’t understand that we have been given a life so we can fucking LIVE. Not so we can tip toe through without having any experiences and without learning. Cause , you guessed it

“We can’t learn without pain”  Aristotle


I firmly believe when we stop learning we stop growing and who wants to be ignorant to everything the whole time we celebrate life.

Mother shut men out of her life. I’m guessing she saw them as the cause of  most of her pain. Not to mention the bitch thinks she’s learned it all. That sort of closed mind , the sort that is closed locked and nailed shut is a huge source of dickish behavior.

I would much rather get some cuts and bruises  , broken bones or even hot pepper farts. Than to not feel anything for however much time we have left to celebrate our existence.  Bring it on motherfuckers …..give it to me. I can take it.

So rip that band aid off man. Let’s move past that and keep the celebration going.



I will not tap out , fucker

There was a time not to awful long ago when I was secure with myself ( for the most part ) and secure in my relationship. I felt sexy , desirable , loved. He seemed to come back to me for a couple of days.

As a former wife of a narcissitic fucker , it does not take much for me to wonder what’s wrong with ME. I spent so many years being mentally fucked. It has taken almost as many years to find some symblence of myself. That bitch is not stable by any means , He does not understand that not to many do.

My mental disorder was not diagnosed until I had been ripped apart inside by #2’s personality disorder. I didn’t see that shit coming and I’m still kicking myself for allowing him so much power.

I am beautiful , funny , smart , and cool as fuck. He did not destroy me , he made me aware and stronger. Sucks for him because he will have to face me again and I will get the better of him again. Evil may win a battle or two , but the war is mine.

I will be gracious as a good southern woman should be when she rips the ex a brand new one before God and everyone. I will smile and pity his facade as I expose it to the light that will banish it to hell leaving him a welcome shell of the dick hes been for so long. There , I found my happy thing to talk about , giggle. Dig a hole dug , your gonna need it.

What goes up , always comes down

So here I am again. The downward spiral. I know it’s coming. It always does. No matter what medication I take or don’t take , no matter my meditation or therapy. The highs and lows are always present.

When I was diagnosed in 2008 I was a psych nurse and did exactly as I was told. Took a plethora of medication , therapy every week. I was a fucking zombie and couldn’t barely function. I do things a little different these days , more natural. I love meditation and aromatherapy. I utilize marijuana for the mania and to help me relax. I take a mood stabilizer and something for sleep when necessary. Sir keeps an eye on me and together we manage.

I still do not enjoy the lows , the emptiness , feeling so alone. Like no one gets it. I’m not lazy , I can’t get out of the bed. If I did where would I go ? What would I do ? Not people , I don’t like people when I’m down. Of course he bright side is that it does always change so the low will be gone and I’ll be happy again for a while.

I appreciate the good times.

I miss my dad

I miss my kids

I’m sad that I can’t be around my family because they judge so harshly

Sir is all I have , I get scared He will leave , them what ?

It’s gonna be OK

Cam Lust

Cam Lust , some people may wonder what this means. I know there are folks that go straight for the gutter. The reason I know this , I am one of those people. Cam Lust , yes I am kinky. Yes I am with a man who is kinky. We have different things we create trying to add positive vibes to our community. How cool is it that Cam Lust is my name and Sirs name combined. Times such as these I’m certain we were meant for each other. He is my soul mate , my everything. He is my Cam Lust.

This is the story of a slut……


Her thoughts were not pure ,

She didn’t dream of candy ,

She wanted things deemed deviant , with a dude named Randy.

The boys at school  teased her and called her a dirty slut.

If only they had known that she would take it in the butt.

But no one knew , she couldn’t tell

She kept her thoughts inside

Until that day she met a man that brought  the slut to life.


He tied her up , he smacked her ass , he called her nasty bitch. He made her Fuck , he made her suck , he made her beg for it.

Her days were filled with learning  what her Master liked ,

Her desires were realized under the cover of night.

“What a good girl”!, Master exclaimed after months of training.

“You have earned a treat , my dear. A party in your honor. We aren’t having gifts or cake or even a pinata. There will be lots and lots of dick , all  wanting up inside ya.”

Here she was , just herself , just a dirty slut. He had made her proud to be fucked in the butt.



Erotic aromatherapy

I make bath bombs , I love aromatherapy. So I researched what oils enhance sexual health. Check us out at


Her intimate desire has a plethora of powerful essential oils. Women are complex. A few of them are jasmine a beautiful scent and an aphrodisiac , rose makes us feel comfortable so we can relax , lavender , ylang-ylang is also a beautiful fragrance. The petals of the ylang-ylang plant are spread over the beds of newlyweds in Malaysia due to the mesmerizing scent. There is something for hormone balance and when they all come together desire is increased and inhibitions are decreased. There are fresh rose buds if desired which turn any bath special.

Men are not as complicated.


His fantasy has sandlewood to ground him , patchouli is an aphrodisiac , a little cinnamon to get his blood pumping and a touch of lavender so he will stay calm.

I’m very excited about my new bath bombs , I make shower steamers as well for the shower folks.



The Dragon and the slut : a BDSM fairy tale


A long time ago in a land far far away there lived a slut. She lived in the last castle on the left with her Master , she called Him Dragon. She was happy and felt so lucky that Dragon had found her because slut had not always been happy …….


Before Dragon got her slut lived with her evil step mother and her step sister and step brother. Her father died at an early age. He was  thrown from a raging bull , he flew through the air and landed in a big pile of hay. He stood up shook it off and as he was heading home he was trampled by a heard of crazed rhinos. That heard of rhinos killed 17 people that day.


Slut missed her father and was sad because her step mother didn’t understand her. Said she dresses like a harlot. Once when slut tried to tell her I am a harlot. Step mother locked her in the dirt pantry for 3 days. So slut didn’t try and explain again. She did her chores , stayed to herself and dreamed of being hog tied and helpless under a Strong ruler that would penetrate her soul.

While slut was waiting , she had desires. One day she saw the step brother watching her , she smiled at him and he walked over to the river bank where she was collecting pebbles to make a new flogger. He looked at her and said “your tits are pretty better than mama’s”. Slut hoped he was more skilled with his dick than he was with his mouth. She had noticed he was hung like the mule in the barn. So she grabbed his hunk of meat and began to stroke it.  Unfortunately step mother came outside at exactly the wrong moment and saw slut with her stupid son’s large cock in her mouth. This did not go over well.


So slut ends up in front of the high priest to being forgiveness for her wanton ways and sexual deviance. While she waited for his honor , she noticed a guard looking at her with a knowing grin. When the high priest came in the guard that had been watching her started reading her charges to the priest. The priest said she would need to be purified through pain. This made slut pussy wet. She was taken to a room to await her Savior.

After about an hour the door to her holding room opened. The grinning guard stood before her. He said ,” I’m Dragon , your coming with me.”

Master Dragon set her free


Time to look at myself a bit

I believe when we stop learning we stop growing. I strive to be a better person each day.


Wait …. maybe strive each day is a little exaggeration …..let me rephrase


I want to be a good person , I want to make my loved ones happy and I want to be happy. I’m also lazy and selfish and a little hard headed.


I do make an honest attempt to look at my fucked up behavior , say yep that’s fucked up and I did that fucked up shit. I will be more diligent at not being fucked up in the future.


This is much easier said than done. Goodness knows I don’t ever want to admit my beautiful brain has some fucked up thinking. If I don’t , I’ll be stuck and I don’t want to be stuck. I watched my father stuck in an unhappy marriage , I watched my mother stuck at a horrible job , my sister is stuck to herself. My dad was able to escape the marriage and he gave me hope that I did not have to stay stuck either ….. mother and sister , they will sink right where they are.



I don’t think I am any better than anyone even those that are stuck. I do think I’m happier and wish the stuck ones could be too. I won’t be around judgement , blame , and favoritism ever again in my life.

I’m going to run naked in the streets til someone throws a shoe at me…..hahaha