Missing dad

It’s been one year that my father has been gone from this Earth ….. I still miss him and i still think I could have done more. I feel guilty for not being more successful and having the money that would have helped him. I know in my head ( scattered as it may be ) that he was proud of me , proud of how I turned out for the most part. Proud that I was his daughter. He deserved so much more at the end than what he got and I should have moved heaven and hell to make sure he had that.

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I couldn’t move heaven
I wasn’t able to move hell either.
I am only me , just Cassie the youngest of his daughters. The chubby blonde kid that was always happy and singing.
Not powerful , not important.
Just me
I miss my dad , I hope he knows how much I love him.

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Cunt

I’m not a fan of liars. People that lie about being sexually assaulted , in my opinion , are maggots on the rotten part of society. Attention is a beautiful thing and I’m guessing some people never got any unless something traumatic happened. Poor little babysitter got her mouth violated by the wild neighbor. As a last ditch effort to keep a sad little world intact , another fantasy of almost being raped while the future is crumbling and not even that lie could make it ALL better.

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Get help for YOUR crazy and keep your tiny little mind OUT of mine.
I have mine handled with the strong arms of MY Sir wrapped tight around me.

Fin

Paranoid ? Yep

I am generally very tuned in , I try not to miss a beat. Never underestimate the power of a practiced paranoid mind. Of course I let my guard down from time to time. I WILL never believe a certain ex is NOT still lurking and waiting for the right time to pounce. Why should I ? This one has been given so many chances and it always ends up she’s a conniving , lying , malicious fuck. I can see it …..

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So, no it’s not an innocent picture of her in a shirt with teeth , it’s not an innocent request for pictures of the child , it’s not just a friend needing to talk to a friend. It’s an ex that wants Him back using the child , hoping the picture of her in the shirt with teeth will tug at heart strings.

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The ex still stalks and waits and hopes. Dreams of the day the manipulation works. Five years of manipulation and the ex is pretty good. It’s not MY ex so I can see it.

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The  ex is mentally ill , untreated of course. Scared to even see a shrink for fear of how bad it is. Probably much worse than the ex believes. Since of course there’s nothing wrong with spewing hate , death , and discord on just one person. It’s ok it’s not everyone just me , smh that’s crazy.

Be gone vile asshole , you have NO power here !!!!

Pain

“We can’t learn without pain” Aristotle 

Such simple truth. Nothing about any kind of pain feels simple when we are smack dab in the eye of the storm. My thoughts swirl around in my turbulent , flawed , bipolar brain. The thoughts are everything , yet nothing because the pain sometimes is so great it consumes every fiber of our very soul.

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No wonder we learn from pain. That shit hurts. We can’t let pain like that in again , the next time it could destroy the precious , wonderful light that is  in Him.

 

I think you have probably figured out what kind of pain  has taught me this day , gentle reader. The pain is in my heart and it’s source is my everything.  He is not malicious , or mean. He loves me , I know He does. He doesn’t want to cause me pain , I know that too. I have dumped load after load on His shoulders in this past year. His strong , steady , safe shoulders. Let’s not forget these are human shoulders and He can’t continue to take on my seemingly non stop disasters and not have anyone to help Him hold that shit up. He could die. I won’t be the bullet that takes this beautiful spirit from this ugly world.

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I want Him to know I would rather feel pain for however many weeks , months , or even years it takes the pain to ease than have Him buried under the weight of MY burdens. I have felt a lot pain in my 46 years in this body. Physical pain from minor scrapes to full on snap my bones pain. Emotional pain from childhood confusion , to the blackest , thickest thunderstorm that can only come from loving a partner in life. Not to mention the pain that happens when you miss your children , the constant thud in an already damaged heart , the ever growing and spreading knots in an already twisted stomach. The pain that comes from fear that we are all alone in such an unforgiving world. Fear ! Pain ! Regret !

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But wait , we haven’t remembered why we keep allowing such pain  in ….. it’s the light , love and joy that we get from the good times. Without that pain , how could the joy feel so fucking good ? It could not. I don’t know about other people , not mentally disturbed people. Me ? I would take some time feeling pain , so I could feel such joy and happiness , yeah it’s THAT good. Also shuffling around in life numb because your shielding yourself from pain , prevents ecstasy. That’s something I never want to pass up. Five minutes of such wonderful , pure happy is worth a year of pain in my humble opinion. I think people that shut out any normal feelings don’t understand that we have been given a life so we can fucking LIVE. Not so we can tip toe through without having any experiences and without learning. Cause , you guessed it

“We can’t learn without pain”  Aristotle

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I firmly believe when we stop learning we stop growing and who wants to be ignorant to everything the whole time we celebrate life.

Mother shut men out of her life. I’m guessing she saw them as the cause of  most of her pain. Not to mention the bitch thinks she’s learned it all. That sort of closed mind , the sort that is closed locked and nailed shut is a huge source of dickish behavior.

I would much rather get some cuts and bruises  , broken bones or even hot pepper farts. Than to not feel anything for however much time we have left to celebrate our existence.  Bring it on motherfuckers …..give it to me. I can take it.

So rip that band aid off man. Let’s move past that and keep the celebration going.

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I will not tap out , fucker

There was a time not to awful long ago when I was secure with myself ( for the most part ) and secure in my relationship. I felt sexy , desirable , loved. He seemed to come back to me for a couple of days.

As a former wife of a narcissitic fucker , it does not take much for me to wonder what’s wrong with ME. I spent so many years being mentally fucked. It has taken almost as many years to find some symblence of myself. That bitch is not stable by any means , He does not understand that not to many do.

My mental disorder was not diagnosed until I had been ripped apart inside by #2’s personality disorder. I didn’t see that shit coming and I’m still kicking myself for allowing him so much power.

I am beautiful , funny , smart , and cool as fuck. He did not destroy me , he made me aware and stronger. Sucks for him because he will have to face me again and I will get the better of him again. Evil may win a battle or two , but the war is mine.

I will be gracious as a good southern woman should be when she rips the ex a brand new one before God and everyone. I will smile and pity his facade as I expose it to the light that will banish it to hell leaving him a welcome shell of the dick hes been for so long. There , I found my happy thing to talk about , giggle. Dig a hole dug , your gonna need it.

What goes up , always comes down

So here I am again. The downward spiral. I know it’s coming. It always does. No matter what medication I take or don’t take , no matter my meditation or therapy. The highs and lows are always present.

When I was diagnosed in 2008 I was a psych nurse and did exactly as I was told. Took a plethora of medication , therapy every week. I was a fucking zombie and couldn’t barely function. I do things a little different these days , more natural. I love meditation and aromatherapy. I utilize marijuana for the mania and to help me relax. I take a mood stabilizer and something for sleep when necessary. Sir keeps an eye on me and together we manage.

I still do not enjoy the lows , the emptiness , feeling so alone. Like no one gets it. I’m not lazy , I can’t get out of the bed. If I did where would I go ? What would I do ? Not people , I don’t like people when I’m down. Of course he bright side is that it does always change so the low will be gone and I’ll be happy again for a while.

I appreciate the good times.

I miss my dad

I miss my kids

I’m sad that I can’t be around my family because they judge so harshly

Sir is all I have , I get scared He will leave , them what ?

It’s gonna be OK

Cam Lust

Cam Lust , some people may wonder what this means. I know there are folks that go straight for the gutter. The reason I know this , I am one of those people. Cam Lust , yes I am kinky. Yes I am with a man who is kinky. We have different things we create trying to add positive vibes to our community. How cool is it that Cam Lust is my name and Sirs name combined. Times such as these I’m certain we were meant for each other. He is my soul mate , my everything. He is my Cam Lust.

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