Masterbation , I’m not blind

So I’ve been changing things about myself and my life the past few years. The other day I thought why not keep it simple , why don’t I explore my early years and begin at the beginning.

As a young girl I knew if I rubbed a particular part of my fun parts it would feel really good. For some reason after I finished rubbing and when the rush of pleasure was subsiding I felt guilty for what I had done. These feelings lasted well into adulthood for me but I never questioned them , until now.  Where did this guilt come from ? My parents never caught me diddling my little button and shamed me and still I felt ashamed. For what though ? For manipulating my own body to feel good ? The negative feelings just don’t make sense to me.

Society dictates  the way we behave and the way we see ourselves. For so long having some racy fun with our very own body parts was said to be a “sin” and indicates a bad person somewhere inside us. Grandmother’s would tell the kids not to touch themselves down there or they would go blind after they grew hair on they’re hands. Granny don’t lie , let them babies have some fun.

It’s ok to be happy but it seems as if we are taught that it isn’t. I’m bucking the norm these days and shouting from the rooftops , ” I play with my pussy and I like it!”  Stop the shaming , embrace your sexuality and don’t be afraid to be exactly who you are because you’re beautiful.







Cam Lust intimate toys

So for the last few years I’ve been trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I’ve been a bartender , a waitress , a psych nurse , and a social media marketer. Now what ? I love making bath bombs , but they go bad and if they don’t sell them you got a shit load of soft ineffective bath bombs. So I started making Jewlery , which I love doing. However sales for my awesome amazing fabulous creations were not what I was hoping.


So I think now I’ve found my calling. A guy I’ve been helping promote a couple of things hooked me up with an online sex toy store. Oh yeah this is it. What I was born to do , help people reach climax. Can you think of a better job? I cant.


The name of my store Cam Lust is my name and my Sirs name put together so it’s like I’m destined to have a job having something to do with the erotic. Well slap my ass and call me pork chop , how lucky can one be ?


I’ll be choosing a toy every few days and writing about it. Usually it will be my experience , sometimes my fantasy , always delicious.


For any of your future sex toys needs please come see me , I’ll help any way I can and I’m always happy to help my loyal clients and fellow kinksters. Oh and I can make you a coupon too , giggle.



My ex

So one afternoon me and my ex husband were arguing about something ( what seemed so important then is not even a memory now ). I had been drinking a bit as I did so often back then and my daughter’s father had been around that week. At one point I accidentally called my then husband by another man’s name…. Here was me

” Now , Fred …. Doh …bahahahaha”

Two minutes later

” Omg Fred , Damn ….. bahahahaha”

This happened seven times. I kept thinking ‘ just say baby , just say baby , just say baby’


So the next day my second husband wouldn’t get out of the bed and I called his mother. She was very concerned and I felt like it was my fault so I told her ,” I called him the wrong name yesterday” she said well that is nothing he will have to get over it. I explained that it happened more than once , she still didn’t think it was the end of the world. I did so I said , * I did it 47 times.” ….. She’s all well I did all I could. I’m out.



I’m not a fan of liars. People that lie about being sexually assaulted , in my opinion , are maggots on the rotten part of society. Attention is a beautiful thing and I’m guessing some people never got any unless something traumatic happened. Poor little babysitter got her mouth violated by the wild neighbor. As a last ditch effort to keep a sad little world intact , another fantasy of almost being raped while the future is crumbling and not even that lie could make it ALL better.



Get help for YOUR crazy and keep your tiny little mind OUT of mine.
I have mine handled with the strong arms of MY Sir wrapped tight around me.


Paranoid ? Yep

I am generally very tuned in , I try not to miss a beat. Never underestimate the power of a practiced paranoid mind. Of course I let my guard down from time to time. I WILL never believe a certain ex is NOT still lurking and waiting for the right time to pounce. Why should I ? This one has been given so many chances and it always ends up she’s a conniving , lying , malicious fuck. I can see it …..



So, no it’s not an innocent picture of her in a shirt with teeth , it’s not an innocent request for pictures of the child , it’s not just a friend needing to talk to a friend. It’s an ex that wants Him back using the child , hoping the picture of her in the shirt with teeth will tug at heart strings.



The ex still stalks and waits and hopes. Dreams of the day the manipulation works. Five years of manipulation and the ex is pretty good. It’s not MY ex so I can see it.


The  ex is mentally ill , untreated of course. Scared to even see a shrink for fear of how bad it is. Probably much worse than the ex believes. Since of course there’s nothing wrong with spewing hate , death , and discord on just one person. It’s ok it’s not everyone just me , smh that’s crazy.

Be gone vile asshole , you have NO power here !!!!


“We can’t learn without pain” Aristotle 

Such simple truth. Nothing about any kind of pain feels simple when we are smack dab in the eye of the storm. My thoughts swirl around in my turbulent , flawed , bipolar brain. The thoughts are everything , yet nothing because the pain sometimes is so great it consumes every fiber of our very soul.



No wonder we learn from pain. That shit hurts. We can’t let pain like that in again , the next time it could destroy the precious , wonderful light that is  in Him.


I think you have probably figured out what kind of pain  has taught me this day , gentle reader. The pain is in my heart and it’s source is my everything.  He is not malicious , or mean. He loves me , I know He does. He doesn’t want to cause me pain , I know that too. I have dumped load after load on His shoulders in this past year. His strong , steady , safe shoulders. Let’s not forget these are human shoulders and He can’t continue to take on my seemingly non stop disasters and not have anyone to help Him hold that shit up. He could die. I won’t be the bullet that takes this beautiful spirit from this ugly world.


I want Him to know I would rather feel pain for however many weeks , months , or even years it takes the pain to ease than have Him buried under the weight of MY burdens. I have felt a lot pain in my 46 years in this body. Physical pain from minor scrapes to full on snap my bones pain. Emotional pain from childhood confusion , to the blackest , thickest thunderstorm that can only come from loving a partner in life. Not to mention the pain that happens when you miss your children , the constant thud in an already damaged heart , the ever growing and spreading knots in an already twisted stomach. The pain that comes from fear that we are all alone in such an unforgiving world. Fear ! Pain ! Regret !


But wait , we haven’t remembered why we keep allowing such pain  in ….. it’s the light , love and joy that we get from the good times. Without that pain , how could the joy feel so fucking good ? It could not. I don’t know about other people , not mentally disturbed people. Me ? I would take some time feeling pain , so I could feel such joy and happiness , yeah it’s THAT good. Also shuffling around in life numb because your shielding yourself from pain , prevents ecstasy. That’s something I never want to pass up. Five minutes of such wonderful , pure happy is worth a year of pain in my humble opinion. I think people that shut out any normal feelings don’t understand that we have been given a life so we can fucking LIVE. Not so we can tip toe through without having any experiences and without learning. Cause , you guessed it

“We can’t learn without pain”  Aristotle


I firmly believe when we stop learning we stop growing and who wants to be ignorant to everything the whole time we celebrate life.

Mother shut men out of her life. I’m guessing she saw them as the cause of  most of her pain. Not to mention the bitch thinks she’s learned it all. That sort of closed mind , the sort that is closed locked and nailed shut is a huge source of dickish behavior.

I would much rather get some cuts and bruises  , broken bones or even hot pepper farts. Than to not feel anything for however much time we have left to celebrate our existence.  Bring it on motherfuckers …..give it to me. I can take it.

So rip that band aid off man. Let’s move past that and keep the celebration going.


I will not tap out , fucker

There was a time not to awful long ago when I was secure with myself ( for the most part ) and secure in my relationship. I felt sexy , desirable , loved. He seemed to come back to me for a couple of days.

As a former wife of a narcissitic fucker , it does not take much for me to wonder what’s wrong with ME. I spent so many years being mentally fucked. It has taken almost as many years to find some symblence of myself. That bitch is not stable by any means , He does not understand that not to many do.

My mental disorder was not diagnosed until I had been ripped apart inside by #2’s personality disorder. I didn’t see that shit coming and I’m still kicking myself for allowing him so much power.

I am beautiful , funny , smart , and cool as fuck. He did not destroy me , he made me aware and stronger. Sucks for him because he will have to face me again and I will get the better of him again. Evil may win a battle or two , but the war is mine.

I will be gracious as a good southern woman should be when she rips the ex a brand new one before God and everyone. I will smile and pity his facade as I expose it to the light that will banish it to hell leaving him a welcome shell of the dick hes been for so long. There , I found my happy thing to talk about , giggle. Dig a hole dug , your gonna need it.


I do indeed enjoy a quickie from time to time. They cant all be quick though. Some take time,  consideration , touching , caressing , licking , sucking , rubbing ….. This all takes time. When someone is worth this kind of time , it’s a beautiful thing. To be kinky doesn’t mean I don’t cherish the time I have with my partner.