Ok so I’m not for sure but i believe before my aunt leaves her bedroom dressed from head to toe she has at least 4 different kinds of underwear beneath her very smart outfit. Then she makes breakfast with half decaff and sausage rinsed clean of the horrible artery clogging grease. I am no expert but…. damn that’s gotta suck.
She tells hubby, ” here is some yummy pork with no delicious grease and some coffee that will wake you up a little”. No wonder I don’t chill with them.
In 2008 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This was after I had been working as a psych nurse for close to 7 years. a lot of things happened all at once , I didn’t handle things well. At the time I was all about psychotropic medications , all medicines really. I told the patients , when your feeling better it’s not time to stop the meds. Most folks did.
So fast forward , living with my kids at my mother’s house. I couldn’t work anymore so I got on disability , the crazy kind. I saw my psychiatrist once a month , a therapist once a week , took the medication as prescribed. I couldn’t get off the couch. I was a shell of myself. No emotions , no energy , nothing.
I finally told myself , fuck this. I quit the pills and woke up. I made my mother unhappy , she liked the control she had …. she has it no more but she did have a hand in ripping my children away from me. They will come back and I am a whole person now. I can think , I can function. I am excited about life and I’m grateful for weed because it keeps me chill naturally.
After I have shaved everything on my body I can reach ( except the hair I need ). I put on stockings a sexy outfit and my above the knee boots. There’s a knock on the door. Oh Yay company !! I let our guests in. We make ourselves comfy in the bitches den spark a fatty and wonder where the evening will lead us.
I of course wait for Sir , He is just getting out of the shower. When Genus dressed He joins us in the den. After another hoot and a couple of nice warm shots of rum , the conversation begins to get a bit more racy. The fellows wonder who mercantile get fucked first this night ….. I grin and said oh I know …..
I smoke weed. I enjoy a plant that is natural. It helps with my mania and helps me focus and helps me sleep. I was on a plethora of pharmaceuticals with side-effects including sudden cardiac death. This is what my dear mother would rather I take. Marijuana is illegal and a gateway drug. So the powerful psychotropic medication I was on for so long that caused me UK shuffle through life and gain 50lbs is better because why ? Because it’s legal ? What about 15 years from now when they find out what harm these new meds actually cause. If I kept taking that crap I would end up a balding toothless woman with a dick , no thanks …. I’ll smoke my weed and everyone that doesn’t like it can go fuck themselves.
I was in a sundress and my hair was in a pony tail. I was sitting with my ankles crossed and my head down , waiting. He said He would come. He said He would take me home. I had been with my maternal family for only 12 hours. It seemed like years. I begged Sir to come for me. He agreed.
I heard His music before I saw the car. My heart started pounding with joy and excitement. Long drives were always so much fun with Him. I ran and hopped into the car as soon as it stopped giggling and so happy to once again be free from the stifling oppressive judgement that part of my family seemed to thrive on. Well good for them , not this free bird …. Sir set me free again and now I get to make Him happy.
So my Sir and I have always had a very open relationship. Not that it’s truly open in the sense that we play with others any ole time we want. We used to have a rule that we played together. Used to. We had a huge fight the other day because he asked if he could play even though I felt like shit , I said I wished he would not. The third time he asked I gave him the same answer only in a very smart as way. So he gets his panties in a bunch and goes to the shop for the rest of the night. He tells me later the only reason he was mad was because of my smart ass remark. I’m like how many times do I have to keep my cool because you didn’t like my first couple of answers ? During all of this I am sicker than I ever remember being and getting treated like fucking shit for what , because I think you can fucking wait ? Because I think I deserve a little more respect and consideration ? Because I want to be important to you ? Because it’s not all about you ?
How do I trust when I keep finding shit out. How can I submit completely when you have done so much to whittle away at the trust I had for you. Now I don’t fucking trust anyone.
Now I guess it’s time to just go full on we are in an open relationship and I’m fixing to go find someone to fuck.
Finally , I’m writing it. Several years ago the babysitter I had was a very sad soul. I think in the couple of months she watched my kids she told me one thing that wasn’t just depressing as fuck. It was about a pair of shoes her mother in law got her. She had a very hard time and was not very old. This blog post is dedicated to her.
Somethings that make me happy are the ocean , the mountains , my children , my man , doggies , horses , goats , sunshine , warm breezes.
I hope she reads this 🙂
So this penguin was driving home from a long work day when his car started making a horrible noise. He stopped at the first garage he saw. The mechanic told him it was a little busy and suggested the penguin go window shopping for a bit and he could tell him what was wrong when he returned. The penguin was strolling around town and happened upon an ice cream shop. Well penguins love ice cream , so he went in and got an ice-cream come. It was hard to eat due to the short little flippers and the penguin made a mess. When he got back to the garage the mechanic told him ,” it looks like you blew a seal“. The penguin looked shocked for a second , the said ,” oh no no , I had an ice-cream cone“.
You should be ashamed…..
I should be ashamed. Let me ponder this for a minute. I’m supposed to be ashamed for something I didn’t even do.
First I want to make this clear……I am ashamed. I’m ashamed of the choices I made that caused me to not have my children. I am harder on myself about these choices that anyone else could ever be. I feel the pain I caused my children everyday , I feel it in my gut and my heart. I am working on forgiving , I need to start with myself.
I am not ashamed of my feelings for my sister. I’m not ashamed for being angry with my mother and I’m certainly not ashamed of anything I did not do. I will not take any blame for anything I did not do. If people want to believe the worst about me , I can’t stop them. The truth is bad enough , I guess some people just think they need to embellish my wrongs to make them look or feel better. They must be huge assholes.
Being accused of something completely false and people thinking its true makes me so mad. Actually I think it’s fear more than anger. Fear that anyone can say anything they want about anyone and people will believe without even checking google. It’s scary because it’s not just Joe blow that does it , the ones in charge do it too and then people die in jail.
I lie to my mother about certain things because she has already made her mind up about everything , unless the J’s tell her something new. No one else can tell her anything and if someone does point out something wrong with any of her ideas ( anyone except the J’s ) then she can justify or simply pretend it doesn’t matter. Her belief that anything she did wrong should not be discussed. Anything my sister did wrong should be kept in the past anything I have done or am accused of doing should be proof that I can’t be trusted. I don’t trust her so we are even.
I don’t tell the police anything because my experience with them has always been bad , not just when I got a ticket or arrested. When there were aggressive people at my house taking things and assaulting my fiance the cop that came said there was nothing he could do. Geee thanks for protecting and serving there officer , good job.
Two people love to tell me , ” It’s not all about you Cassie”. What does this mean. Does it mean the way I feel isn’t all about me ? That’s just stupid. Are they saying my pain at not having my children isn’t all about me ? It’s my pain , my sadness , my anger. Who else is that about ? I think this is some bullshit statement that they use when they can’t admit they are wrong. Of course what do I know I mean it’s not all about me is it ?
I’m no where near perfect neither are all my ideas and beliefs. I am will to admit my wrongs and learn from my mistake and I try and work on myself and my thinking everyday. I don’t always do it and I have to fight my demons and my bipolar mind. I’m happy. I’m also OK with being angry about the bullshit and I won’t accept the blame others place on me ….. take a look at yourself before you tell me what I need to change.
When I see something that is unfair it sparks anger in my heart and my mind. When my father was arrested I was angry and scared with good reason , as evidenced by his death in Caddo Correctional Center. When I saw a video of a schizophrenic guy being beaten to death by a bunch of cops , I felt angry and scared. When a guy I know told me his story of being falsely accused of a sex crime as a minor , I felt angry and scared. When my ex husband accused me of working as a prostitute , I also felt angry and scared. Anger at the complete wrong of each situation , fear that the ones doing wrong are able to get away with it.
Courts and judges don’t always right these wrongs. They don’t always make sure there is justice. If they did they police that beat that poor guy to death would have been punished , they were not. If the powers that be sought justice , my father would not have been arrested on August 23 , 2016.
In my experience it’s not only the courts that don’t seek the truth. When people hear something that sounds plausible , they seem to go with it instead of seeking a deeper truth. This I know from personal experience. It’s easy to believe the girl diagnosed with bipolar disorder is the culprit and maybe she did do something that seems crazy. With even one question it’s possible to find a rational explanation. When a mind that is already made up there is no room for any growth.
This is sad to me for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that I believe when you stop learning, you stop growing. When people don’t grow , like plants they die. Not in the physical sense right away , they can be dead inside and continue with everyday life. What could be sadder than that ? We only have this one life , being dead inside at any point is wasting the time we have.
I’m not always right by any means. I make bad decisions and poor choices on a daily basis. I’m working on being a better person , I’m flawed and I know it. Being aware of my flaws is a plus because I still have the ability to learn.